Things Stupid Bosses Say

The following things are taken from emails and memos my boss has sent. The text has not been altered in any way. I would also like to emphasize the fact that my boss (who is anywhere from 40 to 140 years old) is a native English speaker. I'm not picking on some poor ESL case here. I'm pointing out mistakes that came from a man who has been speaking (and murdering) English twice as long as I have.



I am quite confident with you keeping me inform of those submittals on timely fashion timing of scanning those items can be accomplished.

I have highlighted those hours for you information.

I know that shifting of books can be quite a diligent task.

Places on campus that serves food has restricted hours on weekends or are not open.

(Here is a classic example of his inability to conjugate verbs correctly. This isn't just the way he writes emails. It's the way he speaks as well.)

This is needed to lessen the chance of your having do a retune the shifting to make more space available when a review is made of the stacks.

(Ummmm....which tense are we speaking in here? Totally imperfect?)

That number is fall short of the number of items I had requested. I will see if they are still in the process of printing or other.

(Or other. He likes to throw that little phrase in at the end of sentences. What does he mean? I have no idea)

It is a good ideal to change your password as routine procedure.

(Yes, my life philosophy is to constantly change passwords. I've been thinking of starting a cult based on this very principle)

I will send you message tomorrow morning of time for us to meet.

(The hilarious thing about this one was that I replied to this message using the exact same grammar, and he didn't even notice that I was making fun of him)

In future please have your lists as a separate documents attachments.

(Let's just put the letter "s" after every word, just to be safe)

Appropriate time frame would be informing me in a timely fashion prior to day/time projects are due.

(This is his attempt to explain to me what an appropriate time frame is. I think I've got it now)

This includes copying me on messages, and other.

I will also be developing and monitoring implementation of a plan to address procedures relating to periodicals, book lists, that will accomplished in more advanced time frame for the balance of the summer.

(Typical gobbledygook. You can tell that he wants to sound intelligent here, but he falls way short)

Leaving fans switched on unattended for extended periods of time is a safety hazard. Motors in fans can overheat, short out, and other.

(This was from an email in which he was chastising the staff for leaving a fan on in the office. Once again, "and other" makes an appearance.

If power failure occurs, when power is restore, fans left switched on can experience a spike and pose a safety hazard.

(I'm pretty sure this is a fundamental misunderstanding of the principles of electricity)

The fan makes an audible sound unique enough to know that the item has not been switched off.
(He likes to speak down to us all the time. Of course, until he sent me this message I was unaware that the fan produced a unique audible sound)

This will alleviate your staying pass 7pm.

Perhaps this will help your on processing this new and needed procedure of recording hours you work.

However, there will be junctures where I will not be physically present at time you arrive. To remedy this, I will send electronic messages (E-Mail) to you informing you of any problems or changes in procedures.
(I knew email stood for something, I just didn't know what. But seriously, who has a boss who speaks down to them this much? Has your boss ever explained the concept of "electronic mail" to you?)

I want to take the time thank you for cooperating with new procedure.
(Another classic thing he does. There are only three articles in the English language: "a" "an" and "the." How many does he use? None)

Forgetting to punch in is not good work habits and needs to be avoided in future

Ask if when would be opportune time for you to interrupt, and/or use your computer to check items in.

Please bring other issues you may have that needs by attention before I leave today to me ASAP as I may have time to review and process before I leave today and the other days as detailed above.
(Unbelievable, isn't it? This man is the supervisor at an important academic library. How did this happen?)

Per our discussion yesterday, this is to confer that you will not be in attendance at work prior to your appointment.

Keep me updated in event the dental office proffers you an earlier appointment or feels that you will need to come in sooner than Wednesday.

You’re forgetting to attend today’s training session calls for me to investigate if other training sessions will be held in the library.
(Ah, the classic "you're" and "your" mix-up. I'm pretty sure I had this mastered before I left 4th grade)

There will be two single toping pizzas, one order of bread sticks, and one order of chicken wings – you may wish to be careful when walking, the wingless chickens may move slowly and you could easily step on them.
(Could an attempt at humor fall any flatter than this? Carrot Top is funnier than this)

I am of the knowledge of their transition

Sunday and today I entered into fierce battle with the germ dragons hiding in the microwave oven and the kitchen sink counter. Though I was badly injured, I was able to show this germ group the way out of town.
(Yet another sad, sad attempt at humor.)

I would much like to see a large quaintly of these books available for browsing before 5pm tonight.

I have been heavily the central person to pick-up books routinely and randomly throughout the word days of Monday – Friday.

I am asking you to become much more actively participating with pickup of books and other issues for the balance of the semester as to allow wider dispersion of meeting customer needs.
(It's like he hit the randomizer on a boss-talk generator)

There will be junctures to wish I will ask for changes of format of end product of some assignments.
(This was his explanation of why he cut my legs out from under me on a project. Needless to say, it didn't make me feel better)

As I was doing this, I could not place my fingers on a large plastic cake dome I had used for various food items. If you happen to see this item, let me know – probably right in front of me!
(He had this bowl that was originally the plastic covering for a cake. Over time, it became a bigger and bigger breeding ground for the aforementioned "germ dragons." For some reason he was really upset when we threw that germ-ridden piece of trash out)

Rich and his esteem crew of associates will be shampooing the carpets

To accomplish this, I needed to move some appointments from Wednesday to Thursday and Friday as well as shuffle some reproduction requests.
(Reproduction requests? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Anyway, this is a classic example of how he tries to show me what an inconvenience I am. Every time I take time off he sends me a message about how many meetings he had to cancel, and how much personal time he missed out on. Mainly he wants me to feel bad because I have a life and he doesn't)

I am at a lost to who would had place additional items on your cart.

I truly do embrace the sprit of Interactiveness in my philosophy of work and supervising. Without faux sentiment I look forward to sharing my experience at the workshop with you.
(First of all, this is a lie. His managerial style can be described as a Mussolini-style dictatorship. Secondly, who says "without faux sentiment?" Seriously. Who talks like that?)

All of the book carts are being used and we have a wealth of books that need to pick up and checked in.

Not checking reserve items in properly is transcending to both student and other staff.

I have doubled check some reserve items that staff in day hours had seemingly checked-in and placed on shelves – that were not checked-in.

I will be reviewing varied projects on Thursday and I will be out of office Friday save for time I arrive to pickup the paychecks.

Yesterday, I sprang my foot while maneuvering in this area.
(What you don't understand is that his foot was in jail at the time)

During the course of this semester, the ebb and tide of department needs will necessitate from time to time to have routine assignments or projects assigned to you with time sensitive deadlines.

You will need to deploy the time management tips I provided to you in regards to sending items off to binding.
(First of all, the man is terrible at time management. Secondly, he always says I need to "deploy time management" like I'm sending my little time management troops into hostile territory)

There will need to be consistently as to time in day when tapes are exchanged.

I think this approach is much in line with your desired to have autonomy.

The day labeled tape in the VCR should overwhelming encompass the actual day of taping.

For those of you who may be brining some food items and have not sign the party food list, I will be collecting that list Thursday afternoon.
(The hilarious thing is that this is yet another example of how he speaks in real life. He never pronounces the "ng" in words, so he really does say "brinin" instead of "bringing")

It would be nice to have a few other items to augment the platters such as chips, dips, soft drinks, or other suggestions or time tested family concoctions that you may wish to bring on a voluntary basis.
(Ah, the word "augment." Truly one of his favorite big words. He always asks me to augment lists and reports. One of these days I want to email him a list in which I just increase the font size and spacing. That technically counts as augmentation, right?)

If not, addressing the issue will is the first step needed to prior to other corrective approaches being taken.

This will assist with lessening backlog of books to shelve.

I was remised in not brining to your attention the security tape not being changed on Friday.

I did have to pickup an additional 25 books this morning that was placed on between the top of some bound items and the bottom of the shelves above the bound item, monographs at end of bookends, and more.
(Sorry. Where were those books again?)

Succinctly I am asking that you just convey the status of the blow project.
(Honestly, this is the type of typo anyone could make, even me. That still doesn't make it less funny.)

There maybe junctures will items are turned in and patron arrives just as your logging item in to claim.
(How many mistakes can you count is this short sentence alone?)

Receiving such compliments from the MU on my procedures only pained me more to had lost an ID card and watch from our lost and found area.

Did you change the tape yesterday and active the VCR?

I do balance the needs of the in person patrons I am attending to
(After much deliberation, I decided that he was referring to patrons who come to see him in person rather than contact him via email or telephone. It still doesn't make much sense, though)

Who Was some inspirations for Indiana Jones?

This will keep me center more in the loop.
(He's not only in the loop, he's the center of the loop)

To facilitate the goal of consistently of needed information

There will be some junctures of small moments where staff needs to assist patrons
(How small is a juncture of a small moment? Are we talking nanoseconds here?)

The last two days has seen many patrons using journals

If it appears the disorder is on scale that will negate your time to complete in timely fashion you will need to tell me soon.

I will be sending you electronic message relating to work issues, ASU and other that you may need to be cognizant of in a timely fashion.

On 23 January 2006 I had placed a new book in your mail basket with post note detailing need for processing item that day and placing on hold shelf for Steele.

I had passed through lunch hour to wait for appiopintment that did not show.
(It's like he's been possessed by Tonto or something)

I would discuss that issue with but separate from Thursday meeting.
(With or seperate, which is it?)

Unattendance and repeapted tardiness are grounds for termination.
(I unattended my shift once. I showed up for my shift the first time, then I went back in time and told myself to not go. My past self and I totally played hooky that day)

You seem at a lost of where to look.

The best way to reach your designation is to find a straightforward direct route to your designation.
(A little advice for those having trouble finding their designation)

I would like to serve as segue way to introduce those faculty to these procedures
(Not sure how to spell segue? Spell it both ways!)

There a few ammoniates that pop up from time to time that I would like you to investigate and remedy.
(This one almost made me wet myself. I think he was trying to say anomalies, but he pulled out a chemistry term instead. Truly brilliant)

Well, those are all the gaffes, goofs, and blunders I have for today. And remember: if you enjoyed reading this half as much as I enjoyed writing it, I enjoyed it twice as much as you.